Dad's Traits

One of dad's traits that I admired was his natural music ability. My father lived for his music. He played 28 instruments, was the musical conductor for different entertainment groups, composed music, recorded music, and had some fame locally and in Japan.

He did not like to hear me play the piano because I was an undisciplined player. I tended to play according to my mood of the moment. I changed the beat and rhythm of the music without reason, other than it seemed right to me. I knew how to be technically proficient, but I never felt the music. I could not play by ear, as he could.

I had no contact with my dad from age 5 (my parents divorced) to age 16 (my parents remarried). Between themselves, they decided that my brother and I would not see him anymore. They believed that we would only get confused. A clean break (to them) seemed like the best way to go.

My father was an honorable man where finances were concerned. According to the divorce decree, he was supposed to pay child support until we were 18. He never missed a payment. In addition, when my brother went to college, he continued to pay child support for him.

I knew this was an unusual trait for the times.

Trouble with mom

If I had a trouble with mom growing up, it was in this area:

My mom got entangled with the daily details of running her business. She went to work around 5 am and often returned home after 8 pm. Because I was the youngest, she presumed the older kids looked out for me.

However, I was not a popular child. I tended to sulk, was moody and pretty independent. Apparently, I was also quite stubborn and not at all interested in fitting in. Imagine that ... a four-year old grumpy, loner! Anyway, the other kids tended to leave me alone.

Until I was 12, I believed that my mom had a hard life, and did not want to add to her burden. I saw her drinking as further proof of how hard her life was. After all, who would want to look so stupid if they had any choice in the matter.

I tried to stay out of the way, remain quiet, and just do my own thing. A short time after that, I began to see my mom in a different light. I got mad. Instead of excusing her behavior, I began to find a lot of fault with it. I began to see her behavior as selfish, indulgent, and irresponsible.

I refused to listen to anything she said to me. When I was 13, I got a job where I was paid under the table. I refused an allowance from my mom. Somewhere, in my head, was the belief that if I accepted her allowance, then I would be obligated to listen to her.

At the start of each school year, she always insisted on buying me new clothes. Since she insisted, I accepted. However, I made sure that I selected the cheapest clothes that I could find. I did not want to be beholden for fancy clothes and such. I did not want anything beyond what she was morally responsible to provide for me.

I guess starting to smoke at 12 was not a surprising outcome, given my anger and rebellious nature. Eventually, I lost sight of the real reasons for my anger. I just knew that I was mad at her, was not going to listen to her, and was going to make my own way in this world.

From 12+ years old to 16 years old, I made her life hell. Finally, she called my dad (they divorced when I was 5) to talk about me. She thought that maybe he could take me in and try to get me under control.

Apparently, my dad's life (since the divorce) had also been hell. He was in no position to take me in because he had a bad relationship with his second wife. Quickly, their talks moved from me as the problem child to their own lives, problems and disappointments.

They remarried immediately after my dad divorced his second wife. I was relieved. As angry as I was, I was concerned about leaving my mom alone. My cousins had moved back with their mom years earlier. My brother was married and lived far away. I felt that I might be stuck at home.

At 17, I moved away from home.

Within a few years of leaving home, the anger diminished and acceptance resulted. I realized that my mom did the best she could do under her circumstances. I always knew that she loved me. But, as a child, I wanted to be more important in her life.

Mom's traits

My mom died 28 years ago. She was 59. Young.

One the traits that I admired most about her was her belief in the basic goodness of people. She believed in the best of people. She always thought that people, if given a chance, would want to do the right thing.

My mom was a hard charging optimist. She followed a path that few women of her time chose to march down. She loved ideas and loved to debate the issues. She was a lively conversationalist and people liked to talk to her. She was an initiator, but not much of a closer. However, I suspect that she was not really taken seriously by her peers. She was too loud, too brash and too unconventional for her times.

After college, she settled down in what was considered a man's business. Because she was smart, she was able to succeed where others just made a living. I suspect she probably generated a lot of resentment and hostility. In her day, a woman was supposed to take care of the home (not the business).

However, my mom was not a particularly, sensitive soul. She did not look to others for her self-esteem or sense of self. In the beginning, I think the whispers and furtive looks were like water off her back. She was rushing ahead and did not notice. In the beginning, everything was new and she was able to implement novel strategies. She was definitely excited about future possibilities.

As she got older, I believe she became restless and bored with her life. She probably felt trapped by the decisions she made and actions she took. She married a man for the wrong reasons and had two children she did not understand. She divorced in anger. She lived in a world where her peers were poorly educated and uninterested in the realm of ideas.

She was stagnating and did not know what to do. I believe that was why she started to drink. It made life's disappointments easier to overlook. Unfortunately, my mom was also a I could have been a contender kind of person. She never accepted the idea that life works.

Finally, in 1965, she remarried my father. Another mistake. However, it allowed her to walk away from the business world, become a world traveler and a grandmother. She learned to bake, sew, garden, and other womanly duties. She completely gave up drinking.

I moved back home in 1973 to finish at the University. My mom and I finally became friends. We talked about many things and she did a lot for me. She drove me to the university each day and often picked me up. It was as though she had finally become a mother to me. I felt that she really enjoyed these activities. She perked up because I may have given her a new outlet for her energies.

I feel sad as I write these words. My mom was a good woman who tried to extract herself from the role society had demanded of her. She just never took the plunge for freedom. She was torn by her responsibilities to her mother, her siblings, her children and the fullfillment of her basic needs. She wanted to be free but was unable to pay the price.

She died in 1977.

Initial Information

I bought a book, The Book of Myself, by Carl & David Marshall. I thought if would be a good way to generate memories of my life. I have never been focused on the past and probably do not reflect enough upon the lessons learned there.

My focus has always been on the now. The past was in the past. Over. Done. The future was later. All I had was now. I believed that if I took care of the now, the future would take care of itself.

Due to some cognitive difficulties, I may not have adequately taken care of the now. About 14 years ago, I suffered a Mild Head Injury resulting in intermittant short-term memory issues, concentration issues and related problems.

The past 14 years has been spent in rehabilitation and trying to recover lost abilities. I have made major strides. However, I may be closing in on This is As good As it's Gonna Get. If that is the case, I need to move on with my life. While working at rehab, I have also been learning a lot of new knowledge and some new skills.

I feel as though I am on the verge of sowing my first field of crop. I am not sure what will be planted, but I feel ready.

I would like to use these 201 questions just to see what comes up. I have glanced through the book and saw some questions which are not applicable. However, maybe the questions will trigger another line of thought that I need to addressed.

After all - Life Works.